Cannonball Coaching

A couple days ago I was at the Guggenheim in Bilbao with my family.  As we walked through our third exhibit, artwork by Anish Kapoor, I started to wonder whether my children (or I for that matter) would really connect with anything in the museum.  I didn’t really like the first two rooms of this particular exhibit, but the third room was a revelation.  It was full of mirror sculptures, for lack of a better way to describe it.  At first glance it looked just like mirror sculptures, but with no real twist.  Then the lesson in perspectives started.

The first thing I saw when we walked into the room was that everyone walking around was upside down in the mirrors.  That was pretty cool because obviously we weren’t really upside down.  But when I walked closer I was right side up again and parts of me were huge.  Stepping back a little, I said to my family, “Oh, I like this mirror, it makes me look thin!”  They burst out laughing because apparently from where they were standing I looked really fat.

Why am I writing about this?  I guess it was just another reminder of how much perspectives play a role in our lives.  I think we forget that what we see/feel at any given moment is one perspective, and that someone else could be seeing/feeling something totally different.  The exhibit reminded me that we can play with perspectives and have fun doing it.  And then we get to choose the one that feels the best.  Who’s to say what is reality in a room like that…it all depends on where you’re standing!

If your life were a hall of mirrors, where would you want to stand?  What would you want to see?

My younger son turned 9 yesterday.  He is an incredible mix of wise beyond his years, yet still so young and innocent.  There was so much build-up to the day, so much joy opening presents in the morning, and eating the best breakfast ever…fried eggs and pancakes with real maple syrup (a treat in spain).   By mid-morning the letdown had already set in:  the day could never live up to all the expectation.  I saw him struggling to figure out what was going on…he’s not a party kid, so there was no party planned.  But still he felt a pressure for something extraordinary to happen.  I saw the joy of the morning fading away and a cloud of disappoint settling in.

I didn’t want to be a cheerleader or deny his experience, but I also didn’t want his day to be a disappointment.  I told him that people get to do what they like best on their birthday, and for many people, especially kids, that  means having a party, but for others, that might mean staying home.   We talked about what he likes to do and I told him that his birthday, of all days, was a day he should do what he likes to do, even if it’s not what most people would choose.

Why am I writing about this?  I was just really reminded of how important it is to know ourselves and what makes us feel happy, and not try to hide that or live by outside expectations.  If we turn our backs on ourselves, we invariably end up disappointed.  Not surprisingly, that’s hard for a 9-year-old to know, but I think people of all ages do the same thing.

My question is, what would it be like to live with no expectations and just let life unfold?

I have been telling myself for a while now to write a new post here, but I’ve been busy.  Busy with some exciting new work for a website, a few new clients, hanging with my family, a trip to Istanbul, subbing at my kids’ school, exercising, etc. etc. etc.  It’s all true and it’s all real, and it’s all good, and yet I’ve had this nagging feeling that I’m making a choice to put myself/my blog last.  Being honest with myself, I see there is some comfort/safety to supporting others in their endeavors and leaving mine in wait.  I don’t necessarily want/need to put myself first, but do I really want to be last?

When do you put yourself last?  What about that is comfortable?

The cloud of volcanic dust hanging over much of Europe makes me strangely happy.  It’s like a reminder from the universe that we can’t control everything.  I’m not sure why this makes me almost giddy, but it does.  I am sorry for the very real hardship this is causing so many people, but I have to grin when I think of a certain group of entitled people stomping their feet in frustration.

It may be simplistic, but maybe this is a great opportunity to slow down, take a breath and enjoy the day.

This morning I read an article in the NY Times and the following quote really stuck out for me.

“It was a whole personality shift for me,” Dr. Martin said. “I wasn’t any longer attached to my performance and trying to control things. I could see that the really good things in life will happen if you just show up and share your natural enthusiasms with people. You have a feeling of attunement with other people.”

Lack of attachment to outcome, giving up control, showing up, and natural enthusiasm…these are all things that I as a coach and a person try to do in my life, and it is what I want to help my clients achieve.  There is so much power in just showing up and sharing who you are, and outcomes and control are illusory.

The funny thing is that this article (click here to read the whole thing) is about doctors using hallucinogens to help people suffering from depression.  It really strikes me how powerful the shift was for the Dr. Martin quoted above, and how fundamental the elements of the shift are.  Even more amazing is how hard it is for human beings (myself included) to not be attached to outcome, to give up control, to show up, and to share our natural enthusiasms!

What would it feel like to be truly fine with any outcome?

What would it feel like to give up control and simply be present?

What are you holding on to?

A recent blog post on the NY Times talks about a new study that shows people who engage in deeper, more substantive conversations are happier than those who mostly engage in small talk.

But, he (the researcher) proposed, substantive conversation seemed to hold the key to happiness for two main reasons: both because human beings are driven to find and create meaning in their lives, and because we are social animals who want and need to connect with other people.

I have spent a considerable portion of my life wondering how things would be if I could keep things more on the surface…stop questioning so much, stop searching so much, stop feeling so much.  In many ways society encourages people to keep things on the surface and frowns on the deeper connection.  I’m not sure if I’m happier (what is happy anyway?) because of the deeper connections, but I do think I’m more fulfilled and present because I am not pushing down these basic instincts.

What would be possible if there were more connection, real connection, between human beings?   Where are you on the conversation spectrum?

To read the NY Times article, click here.

We all have it…choice.  And yet, I think we often forget we have it, or we don’t want to admit we have it, or we don’t feel like it’s real, or not having it protects us from taking chances, taking a stand.  We tell ourselves why we don’t have a choice, as though it’s something chiseled in stone.  But really, at every moment in our day we have choice.  Sometimes a choice doesn’t feel like a choice because we would never choose it.  But still, it’s a choice.

Where in your life do you believe you have no choice?  Is that really true?

Being backed into a corner, even of your own making, is stifling.  Embrace choice!

There’s so much we don’t know about each other.  Many of us hold our most precious selves in hiding.  In Barbara Kingsolver’s latest novel, La Lacuna, one of her characters tells another that the most interesting thing about someone is the thing you don’t know.  The statement struck me when I was reading, and I keep coming back to it.

I have been on a mission lately of trying to see those hidden parts of people.  Not by asking directly “What are you hiding,” but by listening carefully and following up on threads of information.   And, wow, there are dreams and talents and projects and desires that don’t often come to the surface.  But they are there.  I can feel them bristling below the surface, even when they are not spoken.

I also flipped the statement onto myself.  What am I hiding that is most interesting about me?  And why do I hide it?

My challenge to you, and to myself, is to make space to hear/see/taste/smell/touch the most interesting thing(s) about those around you.  And, then consider sharing those parts of yourself with others.

One of the annoying things about being a coach is that I more clearly see my own patterns of procrastination and avoidance.  I can see what I’m doing and I know how I would work with a client on this stuff.  I can’t lie to myself with excuses and rationalizations because I know they’re bullshit and that I have the choice to change my behavior.

The upside to this is that I have empathy for my clients, and other people in general, when they’re trying to change things in their lives.  It’s not easy but it is doable with the will and desire for change.

Maybe it’s time to schedule an appointment with myself!

How it can already be the 26 th of January, I do not know.  Too late to write about resolutions?  Not really.  I´ve been thinking about this post since several people asked me if I had any new year´s resolutions.   I didn´t waver.  The answer: no.

It´s not that I´m against resolutions.  It´s just that I make resolutions all the time.  Some are bigger and more meaty, some are small things that seem insignificant, but what they really are is me actively thinking about how I want to live my life and how I want to be in this world.

I don´t meet them all.  In fact, meeting them all is not really the point for me.  It´s the process of trying new things, playing with new ways that interests me.  I mean, if I´m sitting here feeling sluggish and I think getting more exercise would help, why not decide right now to get more exercise and come up with a plan?   I may not have the plan in this moment, but I can decide that I need a plan within a week.  Why wait for the new year?  If I want to read more, why not decide now to add that to my routine.

There will always be too many things to do.  Always.  There will always be an answer for why to put something off.  But really, what´s the point of waiting?  And if something really is too much right now, because sometimes it is, then make a point of letting go of it for now and getting on with the rest of life.

What is your resolution for the day?